I’ve often heard that people only start wanting you when they think that
you don’t want them. It’s true; I’ve lived by it. Whether its business
or friendships or especially romantic relationships, the person who
cares less always seems to be the person who has the most power. At
least that’s what it might feel like for the person that cares more. But
I question whether this is true or not.
I have been called the, “queen of not giving a shit.” One of my many
talents is that I am really good at both not actually caring, as well as
acting like I don’t care. Just yesterday, some girlfriends and I were
talking about boys and I quoted Almost Famous as my romance
mantra, “If you never take it seriously, you never get hurt.” And it
wouldn’t be the first time I’ve ultimately come off as cynical about
relationships. People think it stems from really not caring; on the
contrary, it stems from the fear of caring too much.
I know how to be the person who doesn’t text back, who doesn’t call
back, who waits for the guy to make the first move, and who acts like I
couldn’t care less whether he does or he doesn’t. Being this person
comes natural to me because I have convinced myself that being the other
person comes with too much potential damage. And I do think to an
extent it does. I may never have truly had my heart broken, but I’ve
known people who have; I’ve been there for them. And that shit isn’t
fun. It’s depressing and devastating and oftentimes a really long
journey to returning to being okay.
But the thing is I think people who put themselves out there; people who
let you know they care a lot – I think that they have the right idea. I
think the human heart especially when it’s young, is really resilient. I
think that the journey to being okay when one’s heart has been broken
is a journey that is usually worth facing even when love hasn’t done
what you wanted. But when you’re the one who cares less, who apparently
doesn’t care at all, you’ll go never go on this journey because you’ll
convince yourself that you don’t need to. You convince yourself that
you’re fine even when you’re not.
What people don’t seem to realize about the person who cares less or
acts like they care less is that they’re usually the one who ends up
being hurt the most. It is human to want love and to want to be taken
care of and to want to take care of someone else. To deny that, is
simply to deny one’s humanity. Being the “queen of not giving a shit”
doesn’t make one healthier or stronger or wiser or cooler or even
happier. It just makes you feel less human. It makes you feel, less and
less.
When it’s all said and done, even people who are perfectly lonely and
perfectly alone – still need their person. Whether it’s a romantic
partner, a good friend, a loyal family member – everybody needs a
person. And the truth is if you act like you don’t care enough, people
will eventually start to believe you. So if you feel like you care too
much or feel too much or love too much, remember that the alternative is
worse. We should all try to seek balance because virtue is that middle
ground between any two extremes. But when it comes to love, I don’t know
if there is such a thing as loving too much or showing that you love
too much. And if there is, I think it’s commendable; not something to be
ashamed of. Because if you don’t tell people and show people that you
do care, that you do have feelings for them, that you do love them, how
the hell are they supposed to know?
So I suppose you can go through life thinking that eventually someone
will break down all the walls that you’ve put up, because you don’t want
anyone to know how much you can care; how much you can love. But life
is short and people are busy. And maybe when the right person comes
along, maybe they’ll see right through you. Maybe. But if you keep
telling yourself that you don’t care, maybe you’ll also start believing
it and you won’t even be able to see your person when you find them. So
get out while you can and start giving a shit; and if your heart breaks,
let it break. Because it’ll be okay. You will be okay.
-KOVIE BIAKOLO-